


Wonderland

by FoxCollector



Series: That's Not An Actual Pick-Up Line [3]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Awkward Dates, Hugs all around, I mean really Madara, I'm kind of okay with that, Kissing, M/M, Madara's attempts at small talk, SAPPY dORKS, Tobirama is so done, courtesy of Madara who has no tact, formerly oblivious Hashirama, good thing he loves them both, it also turned into sappy Senju bonding, oh well, over-protective Hashirama, single f bomb deployed and landed, ugh this is sappier than I wanted it to be, vague groping - did I mention Madara has no tact?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-19
Updated: 2017-10-19
Packaged: 2019-01-04 00:00:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12157476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FoxCollector/pseuds/FoxCollector
Summary: Tobirama mentally backpedals to try and see at what point things became weird.Because apparently Madara isn't great at this dating business.





	Wonderland

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there, cats and foxes! Here's another part for my ridiculous series. It's the happier counterpart to my more depressing one. Technically there aren't any pick up lines in this story, but Madara is just terrible at being a good date.
> 
> Continuing with my bizarre naming scheme, the title is taken from Caravan Palace's song of the same name.
> 
> Read, enjoy, review!

            “The food is good,” Madara says aggressively, spearing a vegetable with one of his chopsticks and bringing it up to inspect it.

            Tobirama raises an eyebrow, and pointedly uses his chopsticks properly. “It usually is.”

            Madara grunts and shoves the bite into his mouth. He looks terribly determined. “Weather’s good too.”

            “Yes.” Tobirama pauses with a bite half way to his mouth, watching Madara chew angrily.

            Madara swallows with a grimace. “How was work?”

            “…Fine…” Tobirama says slowly.

            It’s…intensely awkward. The restaurant is just busy enough that no one is giving them any sideways looks for the way Madara is violently impaling and devouring his dinner, but the waiter may have taken it as a personal threat because the man had vanished and Tobirama has yet to see him resurface.

            Tobirama mentally backpedals to try and see at what point things became weird.

            He's starting to think it's been weird the whole time and he's been in deep denial. It had started okay, hadn't it? Madara had been on time to pick him up from work, despite the fact that Tobirama hadn’t actually been serious about not going if he was late. And the grin on his face had been promising - it had made Tobirama feel excited, with little butterflies on rollercoasters in his stomach.

            But then Madara had sort of... stopped talking.

            Sure, he'd asked for directions to the restaurant. And that was fine, it made sense – it could even have been used to start a conversation. Except that he didn't. Instead he'd sort of fidgeted in the car like he wasn’t allowed to speak for some reason. And that was less fine. Tobirama hadn't even known what to say.

            It had become rather apparent that Madara was perhaps not terribly good at this dating business. And to think, Tobirama had been looking to this.

            Madara had apparently been waiting for their food to arrive before opening his mouth. Because nothing spelled romance like talking with your mouth full. Now Tobirama wished he’d go back to the awkward silence.

            “Good. Me too. You look good.” Madara nods. Curt. Abrupt. _Nice_.

            And, oh.

            _Really_?

            Tobirama sighs. “You don’t have to be nice, you know.”

            Madara scowls at being called out. “We are on a _date_. People are supposed to be nice and polite on dates.”

            Tobirama is going to kick whoever told Madara that.

            “I suppose most people are, but we're not nice, and you're not polite.” Tobirama sets down his chopsticks. “I’d prefer an argument to your version of a compliment.”

            “Thank fuck.” Madara slouches with relief. “If I had to think of another stupidly polite thing to say I was going to gouge my eyes out with these chopsticks.”

            “Isn’t that a bit much.” Tobirama deadpans. He picks up his chopsticks again, picking at his rice.

            Madara blinks at him. “Wait, what do you mean ‘my version of a compliment’? I said you looked good. That’s a good compliment.”

            “Is it?” Tobirama takes a bite, sucking on the ends of his chopsticks.

            Madara’s eyes narrow as they focus on his mouth. “Well, I don’t want to get us kicked out of here.”

            And that actually makes Tobirama laugh.

            Madara looks incredibly pleased with himself and he eases back in his chair. “Man, how do you stand working with kids? Kagami gave me the third degree yesterday. It was ridiculous. He seems to think I’m going to eat you or something. Maybe chop you up and store you in my freezer.”

            A woman passing by their table does a double-take at Madara, an expression of mild horror on her face before she hurries away.

            Tobirama snorts, leaning back in his chair casually. “He promised to hide me from you. What exactly do you do that terrifies him?”

            “He’s seen me in the mornings before my coffee.” Madara shrugs. “And also possibly he overheard me talking to Izuna about something one time.”

            “Something.” Tobirama repeats.

            “Yes, something, Senju. That’s all you’re getting about that today.” Madara points aggressively with his chopsticks. “Do you like your food?”

            Tobirama blinks in surprise at the abrupt shift. “Yes. It’s my favourite for a reason.”

            “Good. Eat. Enjoy.” Madara slurps from his drink and pauses to watch Tobirama take a bite. His mouth shifts into something closer to a smile, and then he shovels another bite in.

            “Do you like _your_ food? Because I can’t tell if you’re trying to destroy it or if that’s just how you enjoy things.” Tobirama takes a sip while he waits for Madara to finish his massive bite and answer.

            “It’s good.” Madara pauses, as though considering something very seriously. “You’d be better though.”

            Tobirama suppresses a smile. Madara really isn't great at flirting, but he'd be lying if he said he didn't think it was a bit charming. “Kagami was right. You’re a Wendigo.”

            Madara splutters for a moment, and then laughs. “Please. I wouldn’t waste all that time flirting just to literally eat you. It would absolutely not be worth it.”

            “You call it flirting, I call it threatening.” Tobirama does his best to try and look aloof while eating. He’s not 100% sure it works, but it’s probably close enough.

            Madara waves a hand dismissively. “Same thing.”

            “That explains a lot about you.” And he can’t help the smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.

            And then things go a hell of a lot better. Their usual style of aggressive banter is a bit softer around the edges but only because there’s a lot less frustration involved.

            Well, maybe not.

            But then, it’s a different kind of frustration. The kind that makes Tobirama wonder how appropriate it is to bring someone home on the first date. It’s not like it’s _really_ their first date, after all. More like…the first formal one. Completely different.

            Oh well.

            Who’s going to judge him? Certainly not Madara if the way his eyes sweep over him appreciatively is any indication.

 

            That turns out to be a bad idea.

            Madara walks him up to his door, pretending to be the gentleman they both know he isn’t, and Tobirama is absolutely thinking of inviting him inside.

            Except that the door opens and Hashirama is there. There’s a great big smile on his face, and Tobirama recognizes that expression as the one his brother uses when he’s trying to intimidate someone.

            “You’re back!” Hashirama exclaims, but the joy is strained.

            “Yes. What are you doing here?” Tobirama crosses his arms. He has a bad feeling about this.

            Madara looks Hashirama up and down like he’s assessing a threat, and he’s known Hashirama long enough to read him right. He looks more confused than intimidated though.

            “Oh, you know, I was just driving in the area, and wanted to check in on my precious little brother.” The smile widens.

            Tobirama raises an eyebrow. “So you let yourself in and decided to lie in wait.”

            “Yep! Surprise!” Hashirama pointedly hasn’t really looked at Madara, like maybe he can banish him if he avoids eye contact.

            “Get out.” Tobirama points down the walkway.

            “Ha ha, no. You come in,” Hashirama says, smile unfaltering.

            “Really, Hashirama.” And Madara, Madara looks _amused_ now.

            “Not you. You leave.” And finally Hashirama looks at Madara. It’s a look that is very much a threat.

            “That’s not your decision to make, is it?” Madara's mouth twitches, and it's almost a smirk, but it could be a smile.

            Tobirama sighs. “Alright, that’s it.” He pushes Hashirama back inside, ignoring his indignant squawk, and shuts the door.

            Madara snorts.

            The door opens again and Hashirama looks stunned.

            “No. Back inside.” Tobirama injects as much ice into his words as he can. “I’ll deal with you in a minute.”

            And that’s a threat, even if Hashirama looks a bit happy when he shuts the door.

            “Sorry about that,” Tobirama says to Madara.

            “Don’t be. I completely understand. I just thought it would take him a bit longer to catch on.” Madara shrugs, but he looks genuinely amused.

            Tobirama sighs. “Well, I’m afraid we’ll have to cut it here then.”

            “Thinking of inviting me in?” Madara asks, and there’s a cockiness to his grin that is as irresistible as it is annoying.

            Tobirama wonders briefly whether or not he should tell Madara he actually _had_ been hoping to invite him in. On the one hand, a little honesty never hurt - it could even be a promise. On the other hand, he has no doubt it would go right to Madara’s head, and if Madara's ego gets any bigger he'll probably have trouble finding hats that fit.

            He finally settles on, “You’ll never know now, will you?” and he gives Madara a smile that he knows will inspire a plethora of filthy thoughts.

            There’s a grumbling from the doorway, and he doesn’t have to look back to know that his brother has cracked the door open a bit.

            “Hashirama. No.”

            The door shuts.

            “Oh, this is going to be more fun than I thought.” Madara is showing far too many teeth for what he's doing to even charitably be called a smile as he eyes the shut door.

            “Don’t even think about it,” Tobirama warns.

            Madara's eyes settle back on Tobirama. “If you’re sending me off for the night, do I at least get a kiss?” and he leans in just a bit.

            Tobirama rolls his eyes. He's terribly tempted to just go inside and close the door in Madara's face. He would also very much like to get his hands in Madara's hair and kiss him breathless so he can't say anything else stupid. But he has a better idea.

            “If you insist.” Tobirama leans in and presses their lips together in the briefest and most innocent kiss he can manage, and then draws back.

            “You call that a kiss?” Madara looks entirely unimpressed.

            So Tobirama does what he actually wants and loops his arms around Madara’s neck to pull him into a kiss that spells out exactly how he wanted the evening to go before they were interrupted.

            Madara responds immediately, licking over his bottom lip and sliding his tongue into Tobirama’s mouth. His hands settle on Tobirama's hips, before one slides up just enough to pull Tobirama in closer.

            It’s deep and filthy and full of promises.

            Madara slides a hand down to grab at Tobirama’s ass. And Tobirama makes a noise that’s quickly swallowed into their kiss. He threads one hand into Madara’s hair and –

            There’s a knocking at the window.

            They break apart, and Tobirama is reasonably sure he looks as annoyed and breathless as Madara. He frowns and tucks his face against Madara's neck to catch his breath for a moment. He doesn’t have to look to know Hashirama is there, and he swears he is going to _kill_ his brother. Madara’s hands are still on him, and he doesn’t want to leave, but he probably should. He has to skin Hashirama anyway.

            Madara lifts the hand on his back away, and Tobirama is reasonably sure he’s making a rude gesture. The other hand squeezes his ass in a way that’s highly inappropriate and draws a bout of knocking at the window.

            “Stop that.” Tobirama untangles his fingers from Madara’s hair and pulls away. “If you’re actually hoping to sleep with me, I highly recommend you avoid making shows like that. Particularly in front of my brother.” He turns to the window and gestures to his brother to leave, only turning back when the curtain falls shut.

            Madara swallows. “Sleep with you?”

            “If that’s all you heard, I’m going to brain you.” Tobirama knows for a fact that he can use Madara’s body weight against him.

            “Wow. That’s hot. But got it.” Madara takes his hand and presses a kiss to it, letting his lips linger just a touch.

            Tobirama jerks his hand back. “You’re a dork.”

            “Pots and kettles. So, can I take you out again?” Madara asks. He grins in what is probably supposed to be a suggestive manner but comes off somewhere between dorky and smarmy. It shouldn't be charming at all, and yet...

            Tobirama pauses, lets it sit long enough that Madara actually looks a touch concerned, and then says, “Sure, why not. You have my number.”

            He turns on his heel and opens the door, stepping through. He glances back over his shoulder, just before he closes the door and Madara is still standing there, like he’s waiting to make sure he’s really inside and safe. He has his hands in his pockets and there’s a small smile playing around his mouth, and it’s so genuine and just…open, that it makes warmth bloom in Tobirama’s chest. He can feel his cheeks burn and he turns back so that Madara won’t see the way he can’t help but smile in response. It’s probably too soon for sappy smiles and romance anyway.

 

            Inside, Hashirama is tapping his foot on the floor like some sort of angry 50s mother. He catches sight of Tobirama’s face and softens just a touch.

            “I don’t know why you’re interfering. I’m reasonably sure it’s your fault he asked me out.” Tobirama shrugs his jacket off and hangs it in the closet.

            “Yes, well.” Hashirama turns red. “Touka may have brought my attention to something.”

            Tobirama sighs. “We’re probably going to sleep together. Get over it.”

            Hashirama squawks, and holds out a hand. “No!”

            “Yes. You’re sleeping with my best friend. I dealt with it. Now I’m going to sleep with yours.” Tobirama turns off the kitchen light, and heads down the hall to his bedroom, leaving his brother alone in the darkness.

            Hashirama is quiet for a minute. Then he laughs. “Well, when you put it that way... But I’m still going to destroy him if he does anything – anything at all – that you don't like.”

            “Oh, you don’t have to worry about that. But I’ll tell him anyway.” Tobirama shuts the door to his room so he can change.

            “Wanna gossip?” Hashirama asks through the door. And he sounds like the eager five year old he still is at heart.

            “With you? No. Unless it’s about anything other than Madara.” Tobirama gets into his pajamas, it's not like he's got any plans anymore anyway, and then opens the door again.

            “Fine. We can gossip about Touka!” Hashirama invites himself in and promptly sits on the end of his bed.

            Tobirama is beginning to suspect that his brother got himself into some minor trouble with Mito and is hiding out for a bit. It wouldn't be the first time, although he doesn't seem all that upset.

            He may as well resign himself to spending the night with his brother instead of Madara. "Fine. But don't think I don't know what you're doing."

            Hashirama blinks in clearly feigned innocence. "Me? I'm not doing anything. Can't a guy conveniently and coincidentally show up at his brother's house just in time to end his date?'

            “There's nothing coincidental about it, I'm sure. Please tell me you aren’t going to try this with Touka.” Tobirama doesn't actually want his cousin to murder his brother, as annoying as he can be. It would be a terrible hassle to hide the body.

            “Pfft, no. I’m too young and handsome to die. And also she threatened to turn something into a handbag if I tried, so I'm just leaving that alone.” Hashirama looks a bit green.

            That sounds like Touka. Tobirama laughs.

           

            In the end they sit up half the night just talking, and neither of them really has the time for it and they’ll both pay for it later, but it’s nice all the same. It isn't exactly how he thought things would go, but hey, there'll probably be a second date.

 


End file.
